Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
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Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.