I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
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CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
That’s it.I’m out.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]