I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
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[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Saturday
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.