Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
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What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!