It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
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I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too