Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
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I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.