I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
*lint rolls you awake*
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.