Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
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Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Yoga Matt
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…