Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
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Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?