“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
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“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
How to wake up a Beagle
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.