My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
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Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
United Steaks of America
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie