Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
You Might Also Like
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Why are bridges so flammable.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My current situation
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls