What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
You Might Also Like
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me