Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
You Might Also Like
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
What
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.