interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Dietest Coke
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.