middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
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The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Actually cracking up @ this
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping