Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
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“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school