BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.