“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
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CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Britain be like
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.