Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Noah
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker