Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
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Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
step 6: release the wall snake
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack