My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
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“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?