The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
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me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
#Caturday
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.