Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
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Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”