I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
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I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I don’t get marriage
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.