Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
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The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.