Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
a public service announcement