My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
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The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Best table by far
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”