So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
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*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?