Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
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Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
I think the cat got the dog high.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Room with a view.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”