Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
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[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
This meeting could have been a cake
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
According to math, I’m broke
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”