Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
You Might Also Like
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
#SaturdayBears
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
The Wolf of Wall Street.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories