going to the ER y’all need anything
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Monday
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Me, flirting😏
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*