[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
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[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Happy Thanksgiving
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.