Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
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Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.