Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
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Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I’m having an out of money experience.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.