My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
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In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
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If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I am, perchance
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?