Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
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Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵