Proofread twice, hang posters once
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I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
When can I start eating bats again.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I love twitter
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”