I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*