Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
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Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.