My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
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DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
craving $300 all of a sudden
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic