GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
You Might Also Like
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter