People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine