*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
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“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
DOOO EEEET
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays