me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
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“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Same post same
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light