PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’