Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
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Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
No Google it does not
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel