Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
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[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.