cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
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Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Tell me you get it…🤣
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.